You wroteat 12:13 on 11 May 2009
THE PRODUCT OF A FAILED MORGANIC MARRIAGE, KEN “THE RUCKSACK” BLENKINSOP WAS NOW EMPLOYED BY “THE RAMBLERS ASSOCIATION”, TO PIONEER NEW PATHWAYS ACROSS THE UNITED KINGDOM.
IF ANY ONE COMPLAINED ABOUGHT THE NEW ROUTE, KEN WOULD SILENTLY BUT EFFICIENTLY ASSASINATE THE COMPLAINENT, SO THAT THE ROUTE COULD GO AHEAD.
KEN HAD SPENT HIS EARLIER CAREAR IN THE ISREALI ARMY AND WAS A SKILLED PRACTICIONER OF THE “HASSADICK CHOP”, WHICH IF USED CORRECTLY COULD MAIME AT 10 YARDS AND KILL FROM 10 FOOT.
IF ANY ONE COMPLAINED ABOUGHT THE NEW ROUTE, KEN WOULD SILENTLY BUT EFFICIENTLY ASSASINATE THE COMPLAINENT, SO THAT THE ROUTE COULD GO AHEAD.
KEN HAD SPENT HIS EARLIER CAREAR IN THE ISREALI ARMY AND WAS A SKILLED PRACTICIONER OF THE “HASSADICK CHOP”, WHICH IF USED CORRECTLY COULD MAIME AT 10 YARDS AND KILL FROM 10 FOOT.
Post 2
Alan Barron wroteat 12:28 on 11 May 2009
AN INTERESTING JOB INDEED ,HOWEVER SETH "THE STALKER" ARBUTHNOT A FORMER MOSSAD AGENT AND GIANT MARROW GROWER FROM WEST YORKSHIRE HAS BEEN EMPLOYED BY THE MARQUIS OF BATH FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS AS A LION TEASER ON HIS LONGLEAT ESTATE.
THE JOB ENTAILS TEASING THE SLEEPING LIONS INTO A GENERAL STATE OF ANNOYANCE THUS RENDERING THEM MORE INTERESTING TO THE VISITORS IN THEIR CARS.
SETH HAS BEATEN THE PREVIOUS LION TEASERS TENURE BY A FULL 18 MONTHS WITH ONLY A FEW MINOR SCRATCHES TO SHOW FOR IT.
THE JOB ENTAILS TEASING THE SLEEPING LIONS INTO A GENERAL STATE OF ANNOYANCE THUS RENDERING THEM MORE INTERESTING TO THE VISITORS IN THEIR CARS.
SETH HAS BEATEN THE PREVIOUS LION TEASERS TENURE BY A FULL 18 MONTHS WITH ONLY A FEW MINOR SCRATCHES TO SHOW FOR IT.
Post 3
Alan Barron wroteat 03:24 on 13 May 2009
ANOTHER INTERESTING JOB IVE JUST COME ACROSS ON THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY IS "MISTRESS OF THE QUEENS BEAN".
APPARENTLY A YOUNG LADY IN WAITING IS CHOSEN TO FLICK THE QUEENS BEAN THUS ENABLING THE MONARCH TO ACHIEVE ORGASM WITHOUT THE MESS AND PHYSICAL EXERTION OF INTERCOURSE.
THE POSITION IS CURRENTLY HELD BY A LADY ANNE HORNBUCKET.
APPARENTLY A YOUNG LADY IN WAITING IS CHOSEN TO FLICK THE QUEENS BEAN THUS ENABLING THE MONARCH TO ACHIEVE ORGASM WITHOUT THE MESS AND PHYSICAL EXERTION OF INTERCOURSE.
THE POSITION IS CURRENTLY HELD BY A LADY ANNE HORNBUCKET.
Post 4
Alan Barron wroteat 12:19 on 19 May 2009
PREGNANT PART TIME SCOUTMISTRESS ELSPETH TODGEWORTHY WAS EMPLOYED AS BUM FLUFF STROKER TO HIS EXCELLENCY POPE JOHN PAUL II
IT WAS HER JOB TO SMOOTH DOWN THE EXCESSIVE FLUFF ON THE PONTIFFS POSTERIOR .
APPARENTLY HE HAD AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF HAIR ON HIS BEHIND THAT WOULD BUNCH UP AS IT WERE, CAUSING HIM DISCOMFORT AND SHE WOULD SMOOTH IT DOWN FOR HIM ON A REGULAR BASIS.
ON HIS DEATH HER SERVICES WERE NO LONGER REQUIRED AS THE SUCCEEDING PONTIFF JOSEPH RATZINGER / POPE BENEDICT 16TH WAS BLESSED WITH AN ARSE LIKE A BABY.
IT WAS HER JOB TO SMOOTH DOWN THE EXCESSIVE FLUFF ON THE PONTIFFS POSTERIOR .
APPARENTLY HE HAD AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF HAIR ON HIS BEHIND THAT WOULD BUNCH UP AS IT WERE, CAUSING HIM DISCOMFORT AND SHE WOULD SMOOTH IT DOWN FOR HIM ON A REGULAR BASIS.
ON HIS DEATH HER SERVICES WERE NO LONGER REQUIRED AS THE SUCCEEDING PONTIFF JOSEPH RATZINGER / POPE BENEDICT 16TH WAS BLESSED WITH AN ARSE LIKE A BABY.
Post 5
Alan Barron wroteat 10:52 on 20 May 2009
AGAMEMNON PEPLOW ,A HERMAPHRODITE EX MILKMAN FROM NORWICH WAS PREVIOUSLY EMPLOYED AS A TOENAIL CLIPPING COLLECTOR FOR DELIA SMITH THE ALCOHOLIC CHAIRMAN OF CARROW ROAD AND SOMETIME TV HOUSEWIFE.
HER TOENAIL CLIPPINGS WERE KNOWN TO "PING OFF" DURING CUTTING AT SPEEDS OF UP TO 60 MPH ,SHATTERING HER PATIO DOORS ON OCCASION.
PEPLOW WOULD STAND GUARD WHILST SHE CUT THEM TO PROTECT HER FIXTURES AND FITTINGS.
IT WAS RUMOURED THAT HAD HE NOT BEEN A HERMAPHRODITE, THE NORWICH GOALKEEPERS JOB WAS HIS FOR THE TAKING.
HER TOENAIL CLIPPINGS WERE KNOWN TO "PING OFF" DURING CUTTING AT SPEEDS OF UP TO 60 MPH ,SHATTERING HER PATIO DOORS ON OCCASION.
PEPLOW WOULD STAND GUARD WHILST SHE CUT THEM TO PROTECT HER FIXTURES AND FITTINGS.
IT WAS RUMOURED THAT HAD HE NOT BEEN A HERMAPHRODITE, THE NORWICH GOALKEEPERS JOB WAS HIS FOR THE TAKING.
Post 7
Alan Barron wroteat 12:39 on 20 May 2009
BONIFACE GUMBO WAS GAINFULLY EMPLOYED AS PROSTATE MILKER TO SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL, A POSITION THAT HIS FATHER ALSO HELD TO SIR WINSTON'S FATHER LORD RANDOLPH CHURCHILL.
ON ALTERNATE TUESDAYS , THE PROSTATE MILKER WOULD ENTER THE ANAL PASSAGE OF SIR WINSTON AND GENTLY MILK THE PROSTATE OF OUR GREATEST ENGLISHMAN BY A GENTLE TICKLING ACTION.
SIR WINSTON WOULD THEN SHOOT HIS LORDLY LOAD WHILST SIMULTANEOUSLY SCREAMING THE NAME OF HIS CHILDHOOD TEDDY BEAR CYRIL.
ON ALTERNATE TUESDAYS , THE PROSTATE MILKER WOULD ENTER THE ANAL PASSAGE OF SIR WINSTON AND GENTLY MILK THE PROSTATE OF OUR GREATEST ENGLISHMAN BY A GENTLE TICKLING ACTION.
SIR WINSTON WOULD THEN SHOOT HIS LORDLY LOAD WHILST SIMULTANEOUSLY SCREAMING THE NAME OF HIS CHILDHOOD TEDDY BEAR CYRIL.
Post 9
Alan Barron wroteat 04:19 on 25 June 2009
LORD UPTON-TUPTON WAS LONG RUMOURED TO HAVE EMPLOYED AN EX WHELK EXTRACTOR FROM MERTHYR TYDFIL NAMED IDRIS THOMAS WHOSE SOLE JOB WAS TO STAND IN THE GARDEN AND SHOUT "TUMBLEWEED BANANA" ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR.
Post 11
Alan Barron wroteat 05:42 on 30 June 2009
MY FRIEND STEPHEN ROBERT TUCKER HAS RECENTLY OBTAINED A PART TIME POSITION WHEREBY HE HAS TO POINT AT FERN BRITTAINS LADY GARDEN AND SHOUT " IT DOES EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN "
Post 12
You wroteat 06:38 on 01 July 2009
WINSTON GARFIELD WAS EMPLOYED AS A SET OF TABLE LEGS FOR FIFTEEN YEARS BY LORD TOTTY BABBINGTON SMYTHE. UNFORTUNATLEY, WINSTON HAD TO GIVE UP THE POST WHEN HE COULD NO LONGER HOLD HIS HANDS AND LEGS ABOVE HIS PROSTRATE BODY, THUS BEING UNABLE TO SUPPORT THE COFFEE TABLE. HE WAS REPLACED BY AN ARGENTINE DWARF NAMED DIEAGO.
Post 13
Alan Barron wroteat 05:17 on 20 July 2009
SEPTIMUS WILKINSON , A GIRAFFE IMPERSONATOR FROM NORWICH WAS EMPLOYED AS A GUTTERING CLEANER OF STATELY HOMES BUT WAS SADLY LET GO WITH THE ADVENT OF CHERRY PICKERS.
Post 14
Alan Barron wroteat 05:15 on 21 July 2009
JAMSHED MISTRY, A ONE LEGGED GURU BOTHERER FROM JAIPUR HAD A PART TIME JOB SWATTING THE FLIES OFF THE ARSES OF THE REGIMENTAL HORSES OF THE BENGAL IRREGULAR CAVALRY.
HE LOST HIS JOB WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE WAS STEALING THE HORSE DROPPINGS TO BUILD A WIFE.
HE LOST HIS JOB WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE WAS STEALING THE HORSE DROPPINGS TO BUILD A WIFE.
Post 15
You wroteat 10:43 on 07 August 2009
DURING THE CRIMEAN WAR IT WAS USUAL FOR THE YOUNGEST SON OF AN ENLISTED RUSSIAN COSSACK TO ACT AS A SPARES KIT FOR HIS FATHER IF HE BECAME INJURED. IT WAS COMMON FOR THE SURGEON TO CALL FOR THE UNLUCKY SUBSTITUTE DURING AN AMPUTATION OF A LIMB, AND IT WAS NORMAL PRACTICE FOR THE REPLACEMENT ARM, LEG, EYE OR COD PEACE TO BE REMOVED WITHOUT A PAIN KILLER WHILST THE RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM WAS SUNG BY THE SURGEON AND ALL INVOLVED. AT THE END OF THE WAR THE UNLUCKY GIVERS OF THIER LIMBS WERE REFUSED MEDALS AS THEY WERE UNABLE TO CONTINUE WITH THE WAR EFFORT AFTER THE SURGEON HAD COMPLETED HIS WORK.
Post 16
Alan Barron wroteat 12:29 on 11 August 2009
FATHER ALOYSIUS O`SCROTEMANGLER A DEFROCKED PRIEST FROM COUNTY MAYO AND DEPRAVED POTATO ADDICT WAS EMPLOYED BY THE IMPERIAL COURT OF JAPAN TO LAUGH IN AN IRISH ACCENT AT THE MINUSCULE PENIS OF HIS EXCELLENCE THE EMPEROR.
ON HIS FIRST ATTEMPT HE WAS ARRESTED AND BEHEADED, IT WAS SUBSEQUENTLY REVEALED THAT HE HADN'T BEEN EMPLOYED AT ALL BUT HAD MERELY DONE THIS WHILE DRUNK ON A TRIP TO TOKYO.
ON HIS FIRST ATTEMPT HE WAS ARRESTED AND BEHEADED, IT WAS SUBSEQUENTLY REVEALED THAT HE HADN'T BEEN EMPLOYED AT ALL BUT HAD MERELY DONE THIS WHILE DRUNK ON A TRIP TO TOKYO.
Post 18
Alan Barron wroteat 15:14 on 29 September 2009
BARLEYMOW CRANMER WAS A 17TH CENTURY WITCHFINDERS ASSISTANT FROM BISHOPS STORTFORD WHOSE JOB IT WAS TO SIT ON THE FACES OF PROSTRATED WITCHES AND FART.
IF THE ACCUSED WITCH LOVED THE SMELL, IT APPARENTLY PROVED SHE WAS INDEED A WITCH, IF SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE SMELL IT ALSO PROVED SHE WAS A WITCH.
HE WAS EVENTUALLY SACKED FOR FOLLOWING THROUGH TO MANY TIMES.
IF THE ACCUSED WITCH LOVED THE SMELL, IT APPARENTLY PROVED SHE WAS INDEED A WITCH, IF SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE SMELL IT ALSO PROVED SHE WAS A WITCH.
HE WAS EVENTUALLY SACKED FOR FOLLOWING THROUGH TO MANY TIMES.
Post 19
Alan Barron wroteat 12:12 on 30 September 2009
SILAS MERRYWEATHER WAS AN EARLY 19TH CENTURY PENIS INSPECTOR FROM DROYLESDEN NR MANCHESTER WHOSE ONIOUS TASK IT WAS TO INSPECT THE PENILE PROTUBERANCES OF CONVICTS HEADING FOR AUSTRALIA,
HE WAS SACKED AFTER THINKING HE COULD INSPECT THEM BY TASTE.
HE WAS SACKED AFTER THINKING HE COULD INSPECT THEM BY TASTE.
Post 20
Alan Barron wroteat 14:57 on 30 September 2009
BARRINGTON FACEY A TWENTY TWO STONE PORK AVOIDER FROM ORANGE STREET WAS SAID TO BE A SPLIFF TASTER FOR EX PRIME MINISTER OF JAMAICA MICHAEL MANLEY.
HE WAS EVENTUALLY REMOVED FROM THE POSITION WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE HAD ASKED A BUTCHER TO "SELL I POUN A DAT TING DERE."
HE WAS EVENTUALLY REMOVED FROM THE POSITION WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE HAD ASKED A BUTCHER TO "SELL I POUN A DAT TING DERE."
Post 21
You wroteat 11:48 on 02 October 2009
Tommy "Tom" Thompson was employed as a "Puss Sucker" during times of the Plague and the Black Death. As the death ringer went on his rounds marking doors with the mark of the Plague, Tommy would be pushed in to the hovel to ensure that he sucked all the Puss from the Bulbus Pustules that formed under the arms and in the groin of the soon to be dead. Tommy lived to the ripe old age of 26 when he was burnt at the stake, deemed to be a worlock.
Post 22
Alan Barron wroteat 15:57 on 02 October 2009
RED JOCK MACORMACK A PURVEYOR OF BESPOKE GIRDLES TO VICTORIAN GENTLEWOMEN WAS BRIEFLY EMPLOYED AS A VAGINAL GARDENER TO HER ROYAL HIGHNESS QUEEN VICTORIA WHILST IN RESIDENCE AT BALMORAL.
ONCE A MONTH HE WOULD HAVE TO TIDY UP HER LADY GARDEN AND KEEP THE REGAL MUFF AREA FREE FROM WEEDS AND STRAY FLORA.
HE WAS UNCEREMONIOUSLY REMOVED FROM THE POSITION DUE TO OVER ZEALOUS PRUNING USING HIS PET WEASEL AND A JAR OF HONEY.
ONCE A MONTH HE WOULD HAVE TO TIDY UP HER LADY GARDEN AND KEEP THE REGAL MUFF AREA FREE FROM WEEDS AND STRAY FLORA.
HE WAS UNCEREMONIOUSLY REMOVED FROM THE POSITION DUE TO OVER ZEALOUS PRUNING USING HIS PET WEASEL AND A JAR OF HONEY.
Post 23
You wroteat 07:18 on 03 October 2009
EMMA ROID, AND EX SURGEON FROM BARROW IN FURNESS, HAS BEEN EMPLOYED BY A LOCAL ENTREPRENEUR TO COLLECT THE HEMORRHOID GRAPES CUT FROM THE ANAL ORIFICE'S OF PATIENTS, SO THAT THEY CAN BE QUICK DRIED AND PACKAGED AT HIS PROCESSING PLANT, FOR ONWARD EXPORT TO NORTH KOREA WHERE THEY ARE EATEN AS AN APHRODISIAC DELICASEY.
Post 24
Alan Barron wroteat 11:30 on 03 October 2009
HYRAM B TOKLAS A BAKER AND PART TIME TOUR GUIDE FROM JERUSALEM WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR COLLECTING UP ALL THE MALE BABIES FORESKINS AFTER CIRCUMCISION IN THE GREATER TEL AVIV AREA.
HE WAS RELIEVED FROM HIS POST AND GENERALLY OSTRACISED FROM HIS COMMUNITY AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT HE USED THEM IN HIS BAGELS.
HE WAS RELIEVED FROM HIS POST AND GENERALLY OSTRACISED FROM HIS COMMUNITY AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT HE USED THEM IN HIS BAGELS.
Post 25
You wroteat 10:48 on 05 October 2009
HIENRICH MUFFLESPANGLER WAS LEAD GLOCKENSPIEL FOR THE HITLER YOUTH ORCHESTRA AT THE NUREMBURG RALLY, AND WAS SECONDED BY THE HITLER YOUTH TO TEND TO THE MOUSTACHE OF ADOLF HITLER. AS SENIOR MOUSTACHE GROOMER HE WAS PRIVALAGED TO BE ABLE TO KEEP ANY HAIRS THAT WERE REMOVED FROM THE FUHRERS UPPER LIP, AND BY THE END OF THE WAR HE HAD THREE PILLOWCASES FULL OF THE HITLER UPPER LIP FLUFF. UNFORTUNATLEY, HE WAS ALSO CHIEF GROOM TO THE FUHRERS PUBIC REGION, WITH SPECIAL ORDERS TO GROOM THE HITLER PATCH PRIOR TO AN EVINING WITH EVA BRUEN. AS EVER PRESENT AT HITLERS SIDE HE WAS DISCOVERED BY THE RUSSIANS AS HE FLED THE BUNKER, AND TO THIS DAY THE CONTENTS OF THE STUFFED PILLOW CASE ARE TO BE FOUND HIDDEN IN STALINS TOMB, AT RED SQUARE, MOSCOW.
Post 26
Alan Barron wroteat 09:28 on 07 October 2009
FINNIOUS FELLATIO A QUIM BOTHERER FROM CORK WAS LONG RUMOURED TO LICK CLEAN THE LABIA OF THE NOBLE LADIES OF THE COURT OF IMPERIAL RUSSIA.
MORBIDLY AFRAID OF BATHING, THESE LADIES WOULD WILLINGLY PAY FOR FINNIOUS TO CLEAN THEM OF THEIR BELUGA DEPOSITS.
HE WOULD REMAIN IN THIS GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT FOR NIGH ON THIRTY YEARS UNTIL HE WAS RETIRED WITH A PENSION AND A TONGUE WORN TO A STUB.
MORBIDLY AFRAID OF BATHING, THESE LADIES WOULD WILLINGLY PAY FOR FINNIOUS TO CLEAN THEM OF THEIR BELUGA DEPOSITS.
HE WOULD REMAIN IN THIS GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT FOR NIGH ON THIRTY YEARS UNTIL HE WAS RETIRED WITH A PENSION AND A TONGUE WORN TO A STUB.
Post 28
You wroteat 11:45 on 20 January 2010
HORRATIO FINBAR FLAHERTY, A ONE ARMED, ONE EYED SYPHALETIC BEGGER FROM KILBURN, WAS PLEASED TO FIND WORK ON THE TITANIC AS THE SHIPS CAT AND LUCKY MASCOT.
DURING THE SHIPS BRIEF MAIDEN VOYAGE, HORRATIO ACCOUNTED FOR 26 RATS AND 54 MICE BEFORE DROWNING TRYING TO EXCAPE THE SINKING SHIP BY SITTING ON THE LAP OF THE HELMSMAN OF A HALF FULL LIFEBOAT. UNFORTUNATLY THE SAILOR WAS ALLERGIC TO CATS AND THROTTLED HORRATIO BEFORE PUTTING HIM A SACK AND THROWING HIM OVER THE SIDE.
DURING THE SHIPS BRIEF MAIDEN VOYAGE, HORRATIO ACCOUNTED FOR 26 RATS AND 54 MICE BEFORE DROWNING TRYING TO EXCAPE THE SINKING SHIP BY SITTING ON THE LAP OF THE HELMSMAN OF A HALF FULL LIFEBOAT. UNFORTUNATLY THE SAILOR WAS ALLERGIC TO CATS AND THROTTLED HORRATIO BEFORE PUTTING HIM A SACK AND THROWING HIM OVER THE SIDE.
Post 29
Alan Barron wroteat 13:52 on 20 January 2010
AMBROSE BLUEVEIN A BLIND FIREMANS SON FROM IXWORTH NR BURY ST EDMONDS WAS GAINFULLY EMPLOYED FOR TWENTY FIVE YEARS AS A GERMAN MEASLE.
HE GRADUATED TO THIS EXALTED POSITION AFTER SERVING HIS APPRENTICESHIP AS A LOWLY CHICKENPOX, HE WAS ONCE RUMOURED TO HAVE BEEN PASSED AROUND THE ROYAL FAMILY FOR ALMOST A MONTH EVENTUALLY ENDING UP ON THE INNER THIGH OF PRINCESS MARGARET WHO SCRATCHED HIM UNTIL HE BLED.
HE GRADUATED TO THIS EXALTED POSITION AFTER SERVING HIS APPRENTICESHIP AS A LOWLY CHICKENPOX, HE WAS ONCE RUMOURED TO HAVE BEEN PASSED AROUND THE ROYAL FAMILY FOR ALMOST A MONTH EVENTUALLY ENDING UP ON THE INNER THIGH OF PRINCESS MARGARET WHO SCRATCHED HIM UNTIL HE BLED.
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