UPDATE - TALES OF THE BOONDOCKER

Back in the Wembley hotel, Atkins continued twitching in his sleep, with Terrablanche seated on the bed next to him.

As Terrablanche rose to leave the bedroom his phone buzzed in to action and his large hand was quickly reaching in to his breast pocket so that he could answer the call.
His ape like hands were soon cradling the handset as he strained his eyes to see who the caller was. His eyes opened wide as he read the name of the caller.
It was " Kahrl Heinz - Brunner" principle of the Duisburg School of Archaeology and the Occult.

Brunner was an old ex Nazi who had spent a number of years in Paraguay running a quasi religious sect, before slipping back in to Europe under a false name and forged papers.

Prior to his entanglement with the Nazi Party, he had studied Archaeology at the Sorbonne, Oxford and Harvard and had forged many links with the nefarious “Archaeological Mafia” known as “The Sacred brotherhood of the Sarcophagus”.

Brunner has surfaced in Duisburg and by murderous and foul means, had swiftly worked his way to seat of the principle, at the renowned and respected Archaeology school.

However, the German Police and secret service, “The Bundesamt fur Verfassungsschutz (BfV)”, had been unable to pin on him, any of the unfortunate accidents and disappearances that befell his more senior colleagues, and he now ruled supreme at the Duisburg centre of the occult.

Terrablanche spoke quietly and slowly in to the small hand set now firmly squeezed up against his ear.

“What the hell do you want, Brunner?”

“You, Terrablanche!” came the reply, delivered in a hushed , but harsh German dialect.

UPDATE - INTERESTING JOBS

Tommy Phuckbeuquet was a Haemophiliac dwarf from Tipperary, and was the sole survivor of a vicious attack by the Black and Tans in 1918.


However, an passing a local Hospital he noticed a sign asking for Blood Donors, and Tommy signed up immediately.

He was buried the following day.

UPDATE - INTERESTING JOBS

Post 30

You wrote

KATRINA BRUNHILDA, A ONE ARMED SPENDTHRIFT FROM BRAUNSCHWEIG, SPENT THIRTEEN YEARS GAINFULLY EMPLOYED BY THE PRUSSIAN WEIRMARCH AS A COLOSTOMY BAG.
HER EMPLOYMENT ENDED WHEN SHE CONTRACTED ELEPHANTITAS AND HER ENGORGED LEG AND FOOT PREVENTED HER FROM STRAPPING HERSELF PURPOSELY TO HER HOST, AND WAS UNABLE TO LOCK HER LIPS TO THE OPENING IN THE PATIENTS ABDOMEN.
SHE FOUND LATER EMPLOYMENT AS A SPARE NAPPIE IN CZESTOCHOWA POLAND DURING THE NAZI OCCUPATION BUT WAS CRUELLY DISMISSED WHEN FOUND TO BE TO INFLEXIBLE FOR THE JOB.

UPDATE - THE IMAGINARIUM OF DR HORSE

Creeping slowly along the dimly lit passage, Artimus ran his right hand along the wall and suddenly paused as his hands stumbled across a large cold handle. Pushing the door attached to the handle released the partially open door hinge and the heavy barrier began to ease open.

Artimus gradually squeezed his head around the opening portal and drew a deep breath as he gazes upon the vista before him. As Artimus pulled the rest of his body through the partially open door way, his short neck was straining to propel his stocky head from side to side as he tried to take in the view before him. Artimus shut his eyes and wiped his hand across his now slightly moist eyes.

Fully opening his eyes he now fully took in the scene before him, a rolling Steppe of undulating grasslands stretching in to the far distance, where snow capped mountains towered in to the bright blue firmament. The mountains appeared to curve in a great sweep across the horizon, and before them the lush steppe rolled forward in a never ending verdant carpet of lush grasses.

Artimus strained to locate something or somebody familiar and soon noticed the Bear and pygmy lumbering forward approximately five hundred yards ahead. They were following a trail that seemed to be a permanent track through the grasslands.

Ahead of the duo was the strange darkly dressed figure that Artimus had last seen in the cellar of the building at Jacobs Island. His black top hat sat upon his head and a number of birds were hovering above him in the bright azure sky.

INTERESTING JOBS

You wroteat 12:13 on 11 May 2009

THE PRODUCT OF A FAILED MORGANIC MARRIAGE, KEN “THE RUCKSACK” BLENKINSOP WAS NOW EMPLOYED BY “THE RAMBLERS ASSOCIATION”, TO PIONEER NEW PATHWAYS ACROSS THE UNITED KINGDOM.

IF ANY ONE COMPLAINED ABOUGHT THE NEW ROUTE, KEN WOULD SILENTLY BUT EFFICIENTLY ASSASINATE THE COMPLAINENT, SO THAT THE ROUTE COULD GO AHEAD.

KEN HAD SPENT HIS EARLIER CAREAR IN THE ISREALI ARMY AND WAS A SKILLED PRACTICIONER OF THE “HASSADICK CHOP”, WHICH IF USED CORRECTLY COULD MAIME AT 10 YARDS AND KILL FROM 10 FOOT.

Post 2

Alan Barron wroteat 12:28 on 11 May 2009

AN INTERESTING JOB INDEED ,HOWEVER SETH "THE STALKER" ARBUTHNOT A FORMER MOSSAD AGENT AND GIANT MARROW GROWER FROM WEST YORKSHIRE HAS BEEN EMPLOYED BY THE MARQUIS OF BATH FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS AS A LION TEASER ON HIS LONGLEAT ESTATE.

THE JOB ENTAILS TEASING THE SLEEPING LIONS INTO A GENERAL STATE OF ANNOYANCE THUS RENDERING THEM MORE INTERESTING TO THE VISITORS IN THEIR CARS.

SETH HAS BEATEN THE PREVIOUS LION TEASERS TENURE BY A FULL 18 MONTHS WITH ONLY A FEW MINOR SCRATCHES TO SHOW FOR IT.

Post 3

Alan Barron wroteat 03:24 on 13 May 2009

ANOTHER INTERESTING JOB IVE JUST COME ACROSS ON THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY IS "MISTRESS OF THE QUEENS BEAN".
APPARENTLY A YOUNG LADY IN WAITING IS CHOSEN TO FLICK THE QUEENS BEAN THUS ENABLING THE MONARCH TO ACHIEVE ORGASM WITHOUT THE MESS AND PHYSICAL EXERTION OF INTERCOURSE.
THE POSITION IS CURRENTLY HELD BY A LADY ANNE HORNBUCKET.

Post 4

Alan Barron wroteat 12:19 on 19 May 2009

PREGNANT PART TIME SCOUTMISTRESS ELSPETH TODGEWORTHY WAS EMPLOYED AS BUM FLUFF STROKER TO HIS EXCELLENCY POPE JOHN PAUL II
IT WAS HER JOB TO SMOOTH DOWN THE EXCESSIVE FLUFF ON THE PONTIFFS POSTERIOR .
APPARENTLY HE HAD AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF HAIR ON HIS BEHIND THAT WOULD BUNCH UP AS IT WERE, CAUSING HIM DISCOMFORT AND SHE WOULD SMOOTH IT DOWN FOR HIM ON A REGULAR BASIS.
ON HIS DEATH HER SERVICES WERE NO LONGER REQUIRED AS THE SUCCEEDING PONTIFF JOSEPH RATZINGER / POPE BENEDICT 16TH WAS BLESSED WITH AN ARSE LIKE A BABY.

Post 5

Alan Barron wroteat 10:52 on 20 May 2009

AGAMEMNON PEPLOW ,A HERMAPHRODITE EX MILKMAN FROM NORWICH WAS PREVIOUSLY EMPLOYED AS A TOENAIL CLIPPING COLLECTOR FOR DELIA SMITH THE ALCOHOLIC CHAIRMAN OF CARROW ROAD AND SOMETIME TV HOUSEWIFE.
HER TOENAIL CLIPPINGS WERE KNOWN TO "PING OFF" DURING CUTTING AT SPEEDS OF UP TO 60 MPH ,SHATTERING HER PATIO DOORS ON OCCASION.
PEPLOW WOULD STAND GUARD WHILST SHE CUT THEM TO PROTECT HER FIXTURES AND FITTINGS.
IT WAS RUMOURED THAT HAD HE NOT BEEN A HERMAPHRODITE, THE NORWICH GOALKEEPERS JOB WAS HIS FOR THE TAKING.

Post 6

You wroteat 11:40 on 20 May 2009

LAURENCE SPOONBENDER WAS EMPLOYED FOR MANY YEARS AS A CUSHION, BY HIS EMPOYER - LADY FARTSMOTHER-HYDE.
ALAS, AFTER 25 YEARS OF SOLID EMPLOYMENT,LADY FARTSMOTHER-HYDE SAT ON HIS FACE AT AN UNFORTUNATE ANGLE AND SUFFOCATED HIM WITH HER FAECES.

Post 7

Alan Barron wroteat 12:39 on 20 May 2009

BONIFACE GUMBO WAS GAINFULLY EMPLOYED AS PROSTATE MILKER TO SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL, A POSITION THAT HIS FATHER ALSO HELD TO SIR WINSTON'S FATHER LORD RANDOLPH CHURCHILL.
ON ALTERNATE TUESDAYS , THE PROSTATE MILKER WOULD ENTER THE ANAL PASSAGE OF SIR WINSTON AND GENTLY MILK THE PROSTATE OF OUR GREATEST ENGLISHMAN BY A GENTLE TICKLING ACTION.
SIR WINSTON WOULD THEN SHOOT HIS LORDLY LOAD WHILST SIMULTANEOUSLY SCREAMING THE NAME OF HIS CHILDHOOD TEDDY BEAR CYRIL.

Post 8

You wroteat 12:45 on 24 June 2009

Lucinda Boniface was for many years employed as a goal post by here local semi professional football team.

Post 9

Alan Barron wroteat 04:19 on 25 June 2009

LORD UPTON-TUPTON WAS LONG RUMOURED TO HAVE EMPLOYED AN EX WHELK EXTRACTOR FROM MERTHYR TYDFIL NAMED IDRIS THOMAS WHOSE SOLE JOB WAS TO STAND IN THE GARDEN AND SHOUT "TUMBLEWEED BANANA" ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR.

Post 10

You wroteat 11:36 on 25 June 2009

MUKESH "TETLEY" PATEL OF RAWALPINDI, WAS USED AS A TEA BAG, BUT ONLY ON SUNDAYS, BY THE MAHARAJA OF DARJEELING DURING THE INTER WAR PERIOD . HE WAS FIRED FROM THE POSITION WHEN THE MAHARAJA DISCOVERED HE DRANK COFFEE ON HIS DAYS OFF.

Post 11

Alan Barron wroteat 05:42 on 30 June 2009

MY FRIEND STEPHEN ROBERT TUCKER HAS RECENTLY OBTAINED A PART TIME POSITION WHEREBY HE HAS TO POINT AT FERN BRITTAINS LADY GARDEN AND SHOUT " IT DOES EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN "

Post 12

You wroteat 06:38 on 01 July 2009

WINSTON GARFIELD WAS EMPLOYED AS A SET OF TABLE LEGS FOR FIFTEEN YEARS BY LORD TOTTY BABBINGTON SMYTHE. UNFORTUNATLEY, WINSTON HAD TO GIVE UP THE POST WHEN HE COULD NO LONGER HOLD HIS HANDS AND LEGS ABOVE HIS PROSTRATE BODY, THUS BEING UNABLE TO SUPPORT THE COFFEE TABLE. HE WAS REPLACED BY AN ARGENTINE DWARF NAMED DIEAGO.

Post 13

Alan Barron wroteat 05:17 on 20 July 2009

SEPTIMUS WILKINSON , A GIRAFFE IMPERSONATOR FROM NORWICH WAS EMPLOYED AS A GUTTERING CLEANER OF STATELY HOMES BUT WAS SADLY LET GO WITH THE ADVENT OF CHERRY PICKERS.

Post 14

Alan Barron wroteat 05:15 on 21 July 2009

JAMSHED MISTRY, A ONE LEGGED GURU BOTHERER FROM JAIPUR HAD A PART TIME JOB SWATTING THE FLIES OFF THE ARSES OF THE REGIMENTAL HORSES OF THE BENGAL IRREGULAR CAVALRY.
HE LOST HIS JOB WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE WAS STEALING THE HORSE DROPPINGS TO BUILD A WIFE.

Post 15

You wroteat 10:43 on 07 August 2009

DURING THE CRIMEAN WAR IT WAS USUAL FOR THE YOUNGEST SON OF AN ENLISTED RUSSIAN COSSACK TO ACT AS A SPARES KIT FOR HIS FATHER IF HE BECAME INJURED. IT WAS COMMON FOR THE SURGEON TO CALL FOR THE UNLUCKY SUBSTITUTE DURING AN AMPUTATION OF A LIMB, AND IT WAS NORMAL PRACTICE FOR THE REPLACEMENT ARM, LEG, EYE OR COD PEACE TO BE REMOVED WITHOUT A PAIN KILLER WHILST THE RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM WAS SUNG BY THE SURGEON AND ALL INVOLVED. AT THE END OF THE WAR THE UNLUCKY GIVERS OF THIER LIMBS WERE REFUSED MEDALS AS THEY WERE UNABLE TO CONTINUE WITH THE WAR EFFORT AFTER THE SURGEON HAD COMPLETED HIS WORK.

Post 16

Alan Barron wroteat 12:29 on 11 August 2009

FATHER ALOYSIUS O`SCROTEMANGLER A DEFROCKED PRIEST FROM COUNTY MAYO AND DEPRAVED POTATO ADDICT WAS EMPLOYED BY THE IMPERIAL COURT OF JAPAN TO LAUGH IN AN IRISH ACCENT AT THE MINUSCULE PENIS OF HIS EXCELLENCE THE EMPEROR.
ON HIS FIRST ATTEMPT HE WAS ARRESTED AND BEHEADED, IT WAS SUBSEQUENTLY REVEALED THAT HE HADN'T BEEN EMPLOYED AT ALL BUT HAD MERELY DONE THIS WHILE DRUNK ON A TRIP TO TOKYO.

Post 17

You wroteat 12:11 on 29 September 2009

Giovanni Naselvanni was employed by a Pizza parlour in Naples for 79 years as the provider of nasel hair, that was worked in to the Pizza base so as to give it the correct stucture.

Post 18

Alan Barron wroteat 15:14 on 29 September 2009

BARLEYMOW CRANMER WAS A 17TH CENTURY WITCHFINDERS ASSISTANT FROM BISHOPS STORTFORD WHOSE JOB IT WAS TO SIT ON THE FACES OF PROSTRATED WITCHES AND FART.
IF THE ACCUSED WITCH LOVED THE SMELL, IT APPARENTLY PROVED SHE WAS INDEED A WITCH, IF SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE SMELL IT ALSO PROVED SHE WAS A WITCH.
HE WAS EVENTUALLY SACKED FOR FOLLOWING THROUGH TO MANY TIMES.

Post 19

Alan Barron wroteat 12:12 on 30 September 2009

SILAS MERRYWEATHER WAS AN EARLY 19TH CENTURY PENIS INSPECTOR FROM DROYLESDEN NR MANCHESTER WHOSE ONIOUS TASK IT WAS TO INSPECT THE PENILE PROTUBERANCES OF CONVICTS HEADING FOR AUSTRALIA,
HE WAS SACKED AFTER THINKING HE COULD INSPECT THEM BY TASTE.

Post 20

Alan Barron wroteat 14:57 on 30 September 2009

BARRINGTON FACEY A TWENTY TWO STONE PORK AVOIDER FROM ORANGE STREET WAS SAID TO BE A SPLIFF TASTER FOR EX PRIME MINISTER OF JAMAICA MICHAEL MANLEY.
HE WAS EVENTUALLY REMOVED FROM THE POSITION WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE HAD ASKED A BUTCHER TO "SELL I POUN A DAT TING DERE."

Post 21

You wroteat 11:48 on 02 October 2009

Tommy "Tom" Thompson was employed as a "Puss Sucker" during times of the Plague and the Black Death. As the death ringer went on his rounds marking doors with the mark of the Plague, Tommy would be pushed in to the hovel to ensure that he sucked all the Puss from the Bulbus Pustules that formed under the arms and in the groin of the soon to be dead. Tommy lived to the ripe old age of 26 when he was burnt at the stake, deemed to be a worlock.

Post 22

Alan Barron wroteat 15:57 on 02 October 2009

RED JOCK MACORMACK A PURVEYOR OF BESPOKE GIRDLES TO VICTORIAN GENTLEWOMEN WAS BRIEFLY EMPLOYED AS A VAGINAL GARDENER TO HER ROYAL HIGHNESS QUEEN VICTORIA WHILST IN RESIDENCE AT BALMORAL.
ONCE A MONTH HE WOULD HAVE TO TIDY UP HER LADY GARDEN AND KEEP THE REGAL MUFF AREA FREE FROM WEEDS AND STRAY FLORA.
HE WAS UNCEREMONIOUSLY REMOVED FROM THE POSITION DUE TO OVER ZEALOUS PRUNING USING HIS PET WEASEL AND A JAR OF HONEY.

Post 23

You wroteat 07:18 on 03 October 2009

EMMA ROID, AND EX SURGEON FROM BARROW IN FURNESS, HAS BEEN EMPLOYED BY A LOCAL ENTREPRENEUR TO COLLECT THE HEMORRHOID GRAPES CUT FROM THE ANAL ORIFICE'S OF PATIENTS, SO THAT THEY CAN BE QUICK DRIED AND PACKAGED AT HIS PROCESSING PLANT, FOR ONWARD EXPORT TO NORTH KOREA WHERE THEY ARE EATEN AS AN APHRODISIAC DELICASEY.

Post 24

Alan Barron wroteat 11:30 on 03 October 2009

HYRAM B TOKLAS A BAKER AND PART TIME TOUR GUIDE FROM JERUSALEM WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR COLLECTING UP ALL THE MALE BABIES FORESKINS AFTER CIRCUMCISION IN THE GREATER TEL AVIV AREA.
HE WAS RELIEVED FROM HIS POST AND GENERALLY OSTRACISED FROM HIS COMMUNITY AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT HE USED THEM IN HIS BAGELS.

Post 25

You wroteat 10:48 on 05 October 2009

HIENRICH MUFFLESPANGLER WAS LEAD GLOCKENSPIEL FOR THE HITLER YOUTH ORCHESTRA AT THE NUREMBURG RALLY, AND WAS SECONDED BY THE HITLER YOUTH TO TEND TO THE MOUSTACHE OF ADOLF HITLER. AS SENIOR MOUSTACHE GROOMER HE WAS PRIVALAGED TO BE ABLE TO KEEP ANY HAIRS THAT WERE REMOVED FROM THE FUHRERS UPPER LIP, AND BY THE END OF THE WAR HE HAD THREE PILLOWCASES FULL OF THE HITLER UPPER LIP FLUFF. UNFORTUNATLEY, HE WAS ALSO CHIEF GROOM TO THE FUHRERS PUBIC REGION, WITH SPECIAL ORDERS TO GROOM THE HITLER PATCH PRIOR TO AN EVINING WITH EVA BRUEN. AS EVER PRESENT AT HITLERS SIDE HE WAS DISCOVERED BY THE RUSSIANS AS HE FLED THE BUNKER, AND TO THIS DAY THE CONTENTS OF THE STUFFED PILLOW CASE ARE TO BE FOUND HIDDEN IN STALINS TOMB, AT RED SQUARE, MOSCOW.

Post 26

Alan Barron wroteat 09:28 on 07 October 2009

FINNIOUS FELLATIO A QUIM BOTHERER FROM CORK WAS LONG RUMOURED TO LICK CLEAN THE LABIA OF THE NOBLE LADIES OF THE COURT OF IMPERIAL RUSSIA.
MORBIDLY AFRAID OF BATHING, THESE LADIES WOULD WILLINGLY PAY FOR FINNIOUS TO CLEAN THEM OF THEIR BELUGA DEPOSITS.
HE WOULD REMAIN IN THIS GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT FOR NIGH ON THIRTY YEARS UNTIL HE WAS RETIRED WITH A PENSION AND A TONGUE WORN TO A STUB.

Post 27

Chris Plausin wroteat 16:07 on 07 October 2009

Lol Alan, beat that!

Post 28

You wroteat 11:45 on 20 January 2010

HORRATIO FINBAR FLAHERTY, A ONE ARMED, ONE EYED SYPHALETIC BEGGER FROM KILBURN, WAS PLEASED TO FIND WORK ON THE TITANIC AS THE SHIPS CAT AND LUCKY MASCOT.
DURING THE SHIPS BRIEF MAIDEN VOYAGE, HORRATIO ACCOUNTED FOR 26 RATS AND 54 MICE BEFORE DROWNING TRYING TO EXCAPE THE SINKING SHIP BY SITTING ON THE LAP OF THE HELMSMAN OF A HALF FULL LIFEBOAT. UNFORTUNATLY THE SAILOR WAS ALLERGIC TO CATS AND THROTTLED HORRATIO BEFORE PUTTING HIM A SACK AND THROWING HIM OVER THE SIDE.

Post 29

Alan Barron wroteat 13:52 on 20 January 2010

AMBROSE BLUEVEIN A BLIND FIREMANS SON FROM IXWORTH NR BURY ST EDMONDS WAS GAINFULLY EMPLOYED FOR TWENTY FIVE YEARS AS A GERMAN MEASLE.
HE GRADUATED TO THIS EXALTED POSITION AFTER SERVING HIS APPRENTICESHIP AS A LOWLY CHICKENPOX, HE WAS ONCE RUMOURED TO HAVE BEEN PASSED AROUND THE ROYAL FAMILY FOR ALMOST A MONTH EVENTUALLY ENDING UP ON THE INNER THIGH OF PRINCESS MARGARET WHO SCRATCHED HIM UNTIL HE BLED.